A Pauper’s Guide to Style
Let me guess, you’ve got nothing to wear, you’ve absolutely no money and you want a new outfit? A HAH I’m always right the odd time. Use what you already have for the fun of it and let’s face it – you’ve no other choice.
Why not try 4 easy tips to get the pauper style?
1. If you have an old baggy white T-shirt that just screams ‘1992 Summer Camp’, why not place it down flat on your driveway, for your partner to create an alloy wheel tyre print on. This gives the bad girl effect especially from a Honda Civic vehicle. You may even be arrested for no good reason in a statement piece like this. *If your dating a guy that only has a bicycle (I’m sorry and hold on in there) not to worry, a bicycle wheelie can still have some effect, but the embarrassment of your partner may show on your face.
Grab those skinny white trousers you always fantasied about wearing after you accidentally lost 3 stone, from just being a legend. Hold them up with your left hand and use a blade in your right hand to shred that disappointment to pieces. Mentally take 3 stone out of the trousers instead!! This will provide great ventilation to your southern region in the summer months and likewise reveal any leftover tan, that would otherwise have gone unnoticed in full trousers. Basically they’re shorts with no closure.
This technique creates gigantic holes leaving a dental floss amount of material left on the leg area. It’s quite similar to the ‘see-through’ style but exposes more attitude and less Leaving Cert results. However, be careful, this risky number may attract young hormonal boys who won’t think straight and in turn make you both unhappy parents.
2. Pick a scarf and use safety pins to fully attach an old bed sheet to the scarf. You may need upper body strength to wrap all this material around your neck. This automatically gives the effect of those large scarves that’s all the rage right now. This in turn makes people think you have money and are only cold in Ireland because you’re prone to holidaying abroad.
“Plonker” is a term you may hear shouted at you as you walk by people. Ignore them and carry on walking around hidden in your massive scarf – no matter how ridiculously hot it is. You look important and full of confidence. It also makes your big head look smaller.
3. Need to hide a bad hair day and a hungover head? Hike up to the attic and find the oldest brown leather shoe your family tree still possesses. Anything from the early 1900’s will be perfect. It could have been given to your father by his great grandparents by means of a belt across the face, for asking a stupid question. Your own dad may remind you of times like this, every time he doesn’t hit you. (He’s looking for sympathy and gratitude) Stretch the shoe by yanking the hell out of it and force your head into it. Tadaaa you have a confident, world war era hat. A bright flower from someone else’s garden can propel this look into the future.
The flower stuck to the shoe can remove any unwanted attention your hair had. It eliminates the guilty, shame from your hungover head and replaces it with focus solely on the shoe (excuse the pun) not popping off and injuring a small child. All it costs is a trip to the attic and a sneaky visit to the neighbours garden. Sure Lady Gaga has proven you can wear what you want. If you get any hassle for wearing this head piece, merely inform these narrow minded people that – you are talented.
4. Forget about normal 6 inch heels that you have to pay to get re-heeled every few months. Inspired by the notorious Peaky Blinder boys, I have taken the head of an axe and attached it to my stiletto. I call myself ‘The Foot Chopper’. It does add height and also empowers you. Anyone who annoys you or insults your family, a quick roundhouse kick will slice their head off and with that stop any more uncomplimentary comments.
A subtle stamp on their foot can take their toes clean off. Any innocent passer-by will assume you were just line dancing. When your toes are gone and your heads rolling around the floor, you can’t really stop a pauper from taking your wallet now can you?
From one pauper to another – You’re very welcome!
Written by NIAMH MARRON ON JUN 27, 2016
HUMOUR, HUMOUR FEATURES