Please don’t leave yet. I’m not ready to let go. Life is utterly boring without your glittery balls and your tinsel that smells like happy hour in heaven. I won’t be able to see that corner in the sitting room without the warm lights of your tree. Come on this isn’t fair.
Don’t let everyone else decide when you’re done. You always have so much more to give every year. If you leave now, you’ll make me look silly when I’m still playing your songs in March. Is that what you want? These songs shouldn’t be just for Christmas. They’re classics that brighten up any day. Last year the neighbours compared me to an old soldier refusing to accept that the war is over.
I’m just a fun loving wee pup who thrives on the sparkle and mischief Christmas infuses. What am I supposed to do ‘Just get over it’? NO not this time. I refuse to be bullied into doing what 99% of others want. What will I be expected to do next – stop drinking wine for breakfast? As if. I’ve been doing it for five weeks now. I want to be able to use the phrase “Sure it’s Christmas” for a little longer. You are my excuse for everything.
I don’t want to return to the two meals a day starvation. I prefer the non-stop eating of whatever the hell I like. When food falls on the floor and the three second rule is extended by three minutes due to my alcoholic bloodstream and sedated brain- I still eat it. Why? SURE IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!! So what, if I went wild bouncing on the trampoline scaring all the youngsters just because I let the girls loose (aka. didn’t wear a bra). SURE IT’S CHRISTMAS. You’re my back up, my wingman, my alibi. Anything’s acceptable when you’re around.
No one ever says “Right it’s the 6th of January, time to put the heroine away for the year and forget about it”. I can’t go cold turkey without a turkey!!! No normal person buys turkey unless it’s Christmas. You never hear people say “Don’t mind them, they’re just having the heroine blues”. That doesn’t help at all. January shouldn’t be about copping on to ourselves, saving and becoming healthy. That’s what purgatory is for.
Can’t there be some sort of methadone type treatment for Christmas? Nollaig na mBan doesn’t count because anything that doesn’t include men, they bad mouth and therefore ruin for everyone. Like two more rounds of Christmas.
The second round of Christmas should be the month of January? On the last day we could have another big celebration but instead of the usual, we could eat duck for dinner. It’s smaller, less work and the meat just tastes good. You won’t have to stuff it, marinade it with ten other foods to give it some flavour or re-mortgage your house to buy a bigger oven. The old traditional kid’s movie of the day could be Disney’s Donal Duck. In staying with the theme, YouTubing Donald Trump could be just as entertaining for the adults. Anything with a ridiculous pout trying to speak seriously will always be seen as a silly character.
To wind things down is Round 3 - February. It's doesn’t need to be as hard core but will still keep the spirit lit until people like me are finally warming to the idea of letting go. The Christmas carry-on will be wrapped up nicely with one big finale in March – Paddy’s Day. There’ll still be decorations, music and drinking yourself sick until you get arrested ‘for the laugh’.
Those who can’t continue dodging non-fun related activities like detoxes for all three round… ARE OUT. And I mean out of the country. They will have to fight Connor McGregor to get back in, or at least have to listen to him for ten minutes.
Let’s ease ourselves out of Christmas instead of just pulling down all the colourful, fun stuff in minutes and dumping them in boxes. With such hast we may as well throw our smiles in the attic with them and let the bats crap on them as well. Come on people stick it out like winners.
The magical build up to your visit is unbelievable, Christmas. Then you just disappear like you got what you came for. Well listen up Christmas, I’m not finished with you yet. I’ll get over you when I’m good and ready without judgement thank you very much. If that’s Saint Patrick’s day, then so be it.